Live - "Top"

This is not helping me at all,
What you are doing here?
In the name of God and love,
It's the distribution of fear,
Pyramids, healing wires, analysts with fame,
I haven't got your degree,
And I forgot your name,

Pick me up and put me on the ground,
Set me up and spin me all around,
No, you are not the one I wish to see,

This is not helping me at all,
Where did we get this plan?
That you could give to me,
What I might already have
Pyramids, healing wires, a musician's fame,
I volunteered you my eyes,
In place of facing me,

Oh Hitler, in a robe of truth,
My emptiness has built your altar,
And I've worshipped myself in you forever,
Until now!

http://www.we7.com/song/Live/Top?m=0

Get Fucked Stud

It's a shame this song was never a single. Can't think why it wasn't really eligible for individual release... ;)

"Get Fucked Stud"

Oh my distorted smile will tighten its grip
Now somebody is asking when you will disappear
You have to believe yourself to be happy now
You can't rely on someone else to be happy

Get fucked stud

It's time to kill
Only you see the sunset on amphetamines

All hands on the courtesy cunt
Get fucked stud

I know you will burn in hell
For pretending to be the God of all Men I demand of you
Pretend to burn in hell to be
The God of All

Well follow me
You're fucking right

I'm all at sea
My teeth are made of baby hair

The skyline is burning red so we'll all go down
Follow my head to survive 'cos it won't take us long to come round

Rant in B Flat.

It was too good to last really.

I've been in an excellent mood recently, but I could feel it burning out yesterday and today it has been completely snuffed out.

I'm sick of my status quo. Haven't been able to get my eating under control since things turned a bit shit in January. I managed just over a year of mostly successful calorie counting and weight loss, but I just can't seem to manage it anymore.

It was OK when I exercised more, but six or so weeks of tendinitis (CAUSED BY OVER-EXERCISING!!!) have seen me have to essentially start again. That's still work-in-progress, but it's very frustrating.

I need to work out what I want from life, as I have no idea anymore. I'm sick of feeling like contentment is an elusive state I will never reach.

To this end, I'm going to have a clear out and look to downsize my life. I need to be thinner. My life needs to be simpler and more enjoyable. I have way too much pointless stuff.

The laptop was a great purchase. Moving the home computer to the shop to replace the Dell was a good idea, but why am I bothering to set up the Dell as a media PC? I've put a bigger drive in the PS3 and I can stream from the laptop, so the Dell can be re-homed.

Time to downsize some of my comics and stuff too, pick stuff I love and stick with that.

I miss feeling inspired and productive. Tried to write earlier and just hated what I wrote. Maybe it's cos I'm trying to adapt a short story into a comic. It felt good at first and now feels twee and kinda shite. Maybe now that we've had Mum's inquest it's time to return to my novel. I left it with the main character's Mum dying, with the intention of then skipping on several months. But so many plot lines were in motion that I felt this would jar and realised I needed to stay with him, ride with him to the hospital, etc. And I couldn't face it then. Maybe now.

Ugh. Right list time.

Downsize: comics, graphic novels, books, DVDs, games.

Abandon media PC idea and consider ditching pointless technology/gadgets.

List all these for friends, then Freecycle the rest.

Goal: life to fit back into one studio apartment (have no intention of moving, liking living with M&K - the feeling may not be mutual! - but I ain't going anywhere, just defining parameters).

Goal: continue to increase exercise, sticking with new swim regime. Every ten lengths, do one front crawl power length to raise heart rate. Pause to take on water, then do the next ten lengths. Not a rest break, just hydrating. At the final ten, do two power lengths. Then increase to penultimate ten. Until eventually every ten lengths includes two power lengths. Currently, swimming total is set to as many as can be done in half an hour, rather than aiming for 100 total lengths. This is currently 60 lengths and the intention is to get faster.

Goal: analyse what I enjoy doing and what I don't enjoy. Aim to do more things I enjoy, less I don't. Within reason.

Goal: find a way to deal with growing anger. Anyone know any good streetfighting clubs round here? I don't mean the computer game!

2009 was shite and it seems to still have it's sticky finger prints all over 2010. Grrrr.

Cineworld Vs

Ugh. Films I currently want to see = 4.

[REC] 2

4, 3, 2, 1

Cop Out

The Losers

Number currently scheduled to be shown at Cineworld Cheltenham = 0

(OK 3 of those don't open till Friday or the week after, so they may appear as Cheltenham hasn't update their bit of the website yet)

Sigh, I remain underwhelmed by Cineworld Cheltenham. Oh, for the money to open a small picture house and bar in Cheltenham. I know the exact team I'd hire to run it for me too. :(

If we all cross our fingers that I win the lottery, can I bring a smidgen more culture to the town? The Phoenix Picture House in Oxford is pretty cool - it's where I saw Donnie Darko many months before word of mouth got it a proper theatrical release.

It's also where I saw A Scanner Darkly, but Oxford is less accessible by public transport from 'nham than it was from Swindon.

And the Watershed in Bristol is great too. Last year I had to travel to see Moon, Franklyn and something else - I forget what it was called. Plus I had to wait till DVD for Doghouse, Dead Snow (did that get a theatrical release over here?) and many more. A few years ago, I had to travel to Bristol for Clerks 2 for fuck's sake.

Sigh. If it's not a blockbuster movie, it seems a lot of the time you can forget seeing it at my local Cineworld.

The West Wing, Season Eleven - Re-elected! (Sundays at 5pm)

Speaking as a fan of Fringe and The West Wing, this is one of the greatest Easter Eggs on TV ever.

Spoiler alert!

This is taken from the penultimate episode of Fringe, season two. Olivia and Walter journey to the 'other universe', where everything is the same and yet a little bit different. The Statue Of Liberty is still copper-coloured; the Twin Towers survive; and Zeppelins are a safe mode of transport. Which they could've been if not for - aww, you know that.

There was also that amazing poster for The West Wing, season 11 - cut down on the cusp of a new beginning in the real world at season seven.

There were also some amazing spoof comic covers in the finale. These were produced with the help of DC and the Wildstorm studios. Check them out here at the DCU Blog.

Shiny. Till next time.

As Unto A Star, a poem

For a while, I had a friend who was as unto the Sun

A light so strong it could chase away shadows

A warmth so brilliant it would nurture life

A power so focused it could burn through doubt

I had a star to guide me

Now there is just the darkness and questions

Every day is a little colder

And I am afraid

I can't believe this is nine years old now, still feels so relevant to me...

NEW ORDER - Crystal

We're like crystal, we break easy,
I'm a poor man, if you leave me,
I'm applauded, then forgotten,
It was summer, now it's autumn

I don't know what to say, you don't care anyway,
I'm a man in a rage, with a girl I betrayed,
Here comes love, it's like honey,
You can't buy it with money, you're not alone anymore,
You shock me to the core

We're like crystal, it's not easy,
With your love, you could feed me,
Every man, and every woman,
Needs someone, so keep it coming,
Keep it coming

The Worst Day Since Yesterday

Well I know, I miss more than hit

With a face that was launched to sink

An' I seldom feel, the bright relief

It's been the worst day since yesterday

If there's one thing I have said

Is that the dreams I once had, now lay in bed

As the four winds blow, my wits through the door

It's been the worst day since yesterday

Fallin' down to you sweet ground

Where the flowers they bloom

It's there I'll be found

Hurry back to me, my wild Colleen

It's been the worst day since yesterday

Though these wounds have seen no wars

Except for the scars I have ignored

And this endless crutch, well it's never enough

It's been the worst day since yesterday

Hell says hello, well it's time to I should go

To pastures green, that I've yet to see

Hurry back to me, my wild Colleen

It's been the worst day since yesterday

One man's trash is another man's treasure

CUSTOMER: Do you buy second hand graphic novels?
ME: Nope
CUSTOMER: Rarrgh, *splutter* why not? Rarrgh, I have good things. You're wrong. Change your entire business model. We want a comic shop in this town and you will fail without buying my books. Mark my words, you will FAIL! I haven't bought comics for about a decade, but when I lived in Brighton we had a lot of comic shops and they all bought and sold older stuff!
ME: I've worked in comic shops for over a decade sir and the back issue market has dwindled in stores with the rise of eBay, etc.
CUSTOMER: Pah.

I get a variation on this regularly.

Every time I do new advertising, I am inundated with calls. Yay. But mostly from people wanting to sell me stuff.

Buying second-hand stuff from people does tend to generate more ill will then turning them down cold. Second-hand stuff is bought in the hope of selling it rather than ordering to new trends or reservation orders.

So you have to cherry pick the best stuff, often annoying the customer that you haven't bought it all. Or you buy it all at a job lot price for peanuts, and they become angry that you haven't given them top dollar for it.

A comic may be worth £20. But a shop can't give you that for it then sell it for the same. They make no money, and thus the sale does nothing to contribute to the costs of rent, utilities, business rates, music licensing, business insurance, PDQ terminal rent, etc.

And it there's no guarantee it will sell in the next few months like the new sotck from Previews, so a lower price must be offered.

Then there's space. Storing and presenting old stock in a small shop like mine is problematic.

So between these considerations, eBay and the current economic climate - I chose when I opened not to buy back issues or second hand graphic novels as a rule.

I sell some back issues on commission for a local customer, who was smart enough to get in early and make me a canny offer. We have a good working relationship and should I wish to end that arrangement, I could. And then repurpose that part of the shop for something else.

Frankly, if I bought old comics and graphic novels from everyone who offers it to me, I'd probably be in debt right now.

The purpose of this blog entry? Well today's customer get right in my face. His body language was threatening and he becmae bullying. It was unsettling and just noting my position on it all helps to banish any ill feeling form the encounter.

Right at the end, he changed tack. He began to say that he wanted to see a comic shop in Cheltenham and hoped we'd continue. He went on to mention another retailer in the town and say that they'd spoken of Proud Lion together recently, both saying that they hoped we'd thrive.

"Well, we've been here for two years," I pointed out.

"Have you?" he choked.

I have to add, I have never seen this gentleman before either.

Sigh.

The Defamation Of Strickland Banks

Some times you hear some new music and go 'wow'.

I'm late to the party when it comes to Plan B, but this new direction is amazing. Concept album/video hybrid too. Wonderful. Plus, is that Effy from Skins and Keeley Hawes?





The Pendulum remix of Stay Too Long is awesome too.

Scrapbooking, Skins and life in general

I'm trying to get out of the habit of only blogging when I'm low.

Right now, I'm OK. Life is bemusing me rather than getting me down. It's bittersweet bemusement at the moment.

The eating is still a disgrace. I'm angry at myself. I can do this. I can eat 2000 calories a day or less, and I start each day with good intentions. Then the wheels come off and I have a mini-binge on junk from the little shop. I'm not sure if its boredom, or underlying unhappiness, but I determined to eventually get this under control again.

I've nearly finished my North Channel Swim Challenge. I hoped to complete this week, but alas I find Friday is becoming a fun day of Revolution drinking with Suzy and the Nationwide folks. It's a big help. Tonight will also see some Tex-Mex dining and Judder fun.


I was nervous about going as tonight's Judder will see the arrival of an entourage from Swindon (ah the wonders of Facebook for telling you things you didn't need to know, and my lack of willpower for clicking on things I shouldn't!) and among their number are not one, but two ex-girlfriends of mine.

But I've decided I won't let it unduly worry me. It's ancient history. Past is prologue. I intend to have a great night.

I recently took lots of old greeting cards, gig tickets and other paper keepsakes and made a scrap book. I was inspired by finding some of Mum's scrapbooks from the late Seventies.

In them were cards from my estranged half-sister to my Mum when she was quite young and I was not even a twinkle in the eye. They highlight a deep sense of unease and disquiet in a young mind unhappy that her parents have divorced. It was very illuminating. I have often taken Tamzyn's decision to sever contact with Mum and myself as rejection.

She did it when I was seven years old, not long after I'd started to realise I had a big sister that didn't live with us and how special that was. I'd begun to idolise her and then she was gone. Reading these old cards makes me realise she had her own issues with Mum and her decisions to stop being part of our lives was her way of coping.

I guess it wasn't a reflection on me per se, more of a reflection on the position I occupied as usurper. And Mum was a hard woman. Fiercely protective of and passionate about her kids, but she demanded reciprocal concern that is often above and beyond the ability of a child or a teenager. I wonder if Tamzyn ever realised how much worse she made it for me? At least in my opinion. Mum had all that love for two children with only one son to focus on. It was an intense relationship and defines so much of who I am today.

I'm off-topic, as I so often am. :)

A quick further aside then, before I get back to my original point about scrapbooking. If you haven't been watching Eddie Iz Running please do. That episode and episode two are up until the 25th March.

Last year, Eddie Izzard ran around the country doing 33 marathons, only taking a rest day every seven days or so. The whole thing is narrated by David Tennant and it's well crafted TV. But more over, it's a testament to a person's determination. Eddie lost his Mum when he was very young and I can't help thinking that David Tennant lost his Mum recently too. Can't have been easy to narrate, as Eddie visits childhood haunts on his travels unearthing long buried memories.

It's all too raise money for Sport Relief. Please do watch it.

So, moths. No wait, that's Eddie Izzard's material. I mean, so scrapbooking. This has really given me this current sense of bemusement. I have four different greetings cards from five separate women among the scraps in the book, all of which say "Forever yours" or "Always and forever" or some variation there of. Of those four I remain in contact with one of them and haven't heard from her in quite some time now.

Seriously, why do we fool ourselves with these lies? Humanity is incapable of forever! We have finite lives with fickle hearts and minds. I was struck by how daft the whole thing is. Combined with the massive revision of recent events from "I am smitten (with you) too" to "You can be smitten with people and not want a relationship with them. It's called friendship.", I find myself not wanting to even try and believe people in the future.

One of my housemates showed me this:


Very true. :)

In other news I've booked all my flights and hotels stuff for my trip to New York and Denver. Can't wait. Adventure!!! I'm also planning something slightly different for New Year's Eve, more on that later.

My RPG, Cactus Land seems to be coming into's it's own after a shaky sophomore effort. I've separated the group into two smaller parties for a while, all part of the ongoing narrative and it should make life very interesting. I've described it as like Survivors meets Lost.

I'm really enjoying the final season of Lost too.

Sadly the same cannot be said of Skins. I was enjoying it, despite being relentlessly grim this year, but the latest episode had a real jump the shark moment at the end. Skins always got the balance of drama and sensationalism right - in that it wasn't really sensationalism. Teenagers do crazy things and many of them try EVERYTHING. Media reaction and parental reaction to Skins was extreme and suggested a sheltered upbringing, rather than that Skins was out of proportion.

However, the ending of episode 3.07 was horrendous. While I can conceive of such a thing happening (and the character that is the catalyst for it all has been portrayed as being almost hypnotically appealing in her combination of allure and mischief), I find it hard to believe that a professional adult would do such a thing.

I am being vague, in case people haven't seen it and intend to, but I will say this. To become a therapist, you must first undergo fairly comprehensive psychological evaluation. Perhaps if the character responsible had been introduced earlier on and the gradual erosion of his values in favour of his obsession had been documented, it would have felt real. Instead it felt melodramatic and forced.

Plus the timing of a character death echoed season two in a way that felt like the Skins showrunners were following a pattern rather than telling new stories. The whole point of a new generation was to keep it fresh, I thought? Sigh...

Finally I've just learnt one of my goals for this year has been ruined by circumstances beyond my control. The cheeserolling has been cancelled. After two years of living in Gloucestershire, I intended to finally go. Boo.

WAAAAA! Comics and graphic novels are SO expensive. WAAA!

Ugh. Headdesk. People are idiots.

Dude just quibbled the *high* cost of Kick Ass in hardback graphic novel. Erm, it was eight issues long at £2.35 an issue. That's £18.80 if you'd bought it individually. It's £18.95 now bound together in a shiny hardback. That's not a high cost fella.

Seriously people, comics and graphic novels cost more than books and yet the British seem appalled by this. A book has maybe three direct personnel involved outside of the publishing house.

Writer, agent, cover artist. The latter is often in house any way. Yes there's an editor, but I consider that role to be part of the publishing house staff.

Sequential art narrative requires a writer.

Then a penciller.

An inker (who will trace a chalk outline around your dead body you fuck!).

A colourist.

A letterer.

And a cover artist.

Often one artist does all the art duties and the writer handles the lettering. But it's still much more work than a book.

A comic script is comparable to a film script. Yes, less prose, but just as much craft, dammit.

The art duties take hours and hours. I know an incredibly talented illustrator who won't do comic art even though he got into art THROUGH a love of comics. And he trained to do Sequential Art Illustration at university.

Why won't he do it? Because sequential art requires on average five or six images to be created per page. The average comic is 22 pages of artwork - 30 for a premium title like Blackest Night. That's a minimum average of 110 images every month. For less money than he gets for doing say twenty images for an illustrated history book.

Comics are ART and LITERATURE. They are unique in that form and yet they get lambasted by the general public for being a derogative medium. If you think that, get your head out of your damn ass you pompous prick.

Comics aren't just superheroes. You may consider yourself to be too intellectually adroit to watch soap operas, but you'll watch a documentary or a period drama. You choose your genre.

Comics are not a genre - they are a medium. If you feel you are too clever for superheroes, it doesn't mean you wouldn't enjoy a comic like Blankets or Local.

Ugh, I am off topic. Comics aren't cheap. There's many, many (hu)man hours involved in crafting a graphic novel. Suck it up.

I know that guy is going to go and try to buy the graphic novel from Amazon. But this edition is now sold out at supplier level. Amazon are sold out. Ha. Small moral victory.

And don't get me started on the rise of internet shopping over high street retail. If you want to live in a town that has one big Tesco Walmart with north, south, east and west entrances, fifteen in-store Starbucks and an in-store Ikea, then be my guest: continue to use internet retail.

But you live in a town where Badlands Records has won BEST INDEPENDENT RECORD STORE IN THE UK. Cheltenham and Gloucestershire as a whole can support independent retailers.

Keep it up.

OK, time to start taking care of myself again...

Ugh. The last few weeks have been really hard.

I've had to redirect willpower from my long term goals, to new resolutions and efforts to not be self destructive and stupid.

Which has meant my home exercise regime fell to shit, I swam less and my calorie counting totally fell off the chart. I reverted to a 'see food' diet.

But it's been about three weeks and they say anything repeated is habit after three weeks or so. I'm going to hope I have convinced myself not to do the stupid things I wanted to avoid and now I can focus on looking after myself again.

So yesterday was the first day I managed a full set of home exercises again. And was pleased to see muscle memory allowed me to do a full (if painful!) set of press ups.

Now I'm focusing on my eating. I'm detoxing slightly my focusing on removing bread from the diet again. Breakfast was a bowl of grapefruit segment - stuffed full of antioxidants. 90 calories for that.

For snack, I had a pack of sliced chicken breast. 170 calories.

Lunch will be a hearty chicken and bacon pasta snack for 780 calories and I'll have the over half of the can of grapefruit segments as an afternoon snack.

Should come to 1130 calories in total.

Then swimming tonight and some sort of steak and veg dinner. Yum.

It's not perfect, but it's a start.

I'm also trying to wean myself off Pepsi Max. 2 litres a day is getting a bit much. I've got a bottle of mineral water as a substitute. Hopefully being better hydrated will help too.

Sorry folks, not an exciting blog entry but I need to track my crawl back out of hell - for my own peace of mind.

I wish my To Do List for 2010 had been as awesome as this one...

From the wonderful Jamie Smart. Check out his blog here and his LiveJournal here.

Tell him I sent you, he'll have no idea who you mean.

If I die before I wake...

...bury me like this.

I've said it before, but a Viking longboat funeral really speaks to me. I want to be cremated and this is a helluva way to do it.

Remember.

SFX Weekender

Well, that was a lot of fun. Really blew out the cobwebs for the most part.

Myself, Darren, Husky, Lou and baby Rae drove down to Pontins in Camber Sands and were faced with... pretty awful accommodation. Sleeps four they said, giving us a twin room and a sofa bed in the lounge. Hmmm...




I had a great time though, the writers panels I saw were brilliant and have totally encouraged me to keep going. The actors' Q&As were wonderful. James Marsters, Liz Sladen and Tom Baker were everything I hoped for. Mac MacDonald was a little defensive at points, but watching the first episode of Red Dwarf with a pint and a room full of people was quite something.

The big revelation for me was Gareth David-Lloyd who played Ianto Jones in Torchwood. Such a funny guy, very quick with a quip. And he gave up watching the first half of the rugby to do his Q&A, which was pretty impressive. I shall feel better if doing the Swimathon means I miss the first episode of the new series of Doctor Who. Do check out Gareth's new project, The Casimir Effect.

Also saw Salvage on Friday night which was a British horror film. Certainly worth a watch - tis out on DVD on March 22nd.

I am worried the Family Huskinson didn't get to enjoy themselves as much as me, but these two photos suggest otherwise... :)




The Saturday night Maskerade Ball was overseen by DJ Pat Sharpe. THE Pat Sharpe of Fun House fame. His set was a fun mix of cheese, classic rock and modern club hits and kept the party going nicely. Saw some incredible costumes including some excellent home-made Dalek dresses (so good people thought they'd bought them); several Tenth Doctors; lots of Star Trek uniforms (say what you like about JJ's movie, but it has restored fandom's faith in dressing up like Starfleet officers); some Watchmen characters including Doctor Manhattan with fake meat and two veg; and some Na'vi. Ugh, not a fan of avatar, but they did look good.

I also finally found a use for Twitter. Don't get me wrong, I like Twitter well enough but it really came into it's own over the weekend. By searching for the hashtag #sfxweekender, myself and Lou were able to see other people's Tweets. I got a lot of useful info from other users, including the four girls from #geekcamp who I have to reserve a special shout out too.



As I was getting ready for the ball I saw they had tweeted this picture of themselves in their fantastic costumes. So when by chance I ran into them at the bar, I was able to put aliases to faces.

Yup, Twitter seems invaluable at a convention or event. I'm quite looking forward to looking up #nycc in October. :)

Right, must get on. Anyone finding this blog from Twitter, do drop me a DM on Twitter and say 'hi'. Will be doing some #followfriday mentions to some of the great people I have spoken to via Twitter over the weekend. As I say, Twitter has finally come into its own for me. Good stuff.

So what next....

Coming up later this year...

*driving theory test and possibly learning to drive

*first excursion out of Europe ever

*30th birthday (making the above extremely lame!)

*re-writing an old short story into a graphic novel and illustrating myself (in a way...)

*completing the Swimathon and raising money for Marie Curie Cancer Care

*completing my self set North Channel Swim Challenge by March 20th (currently 601 down, 450 to go)

*the SFX Weekender

*new Doctor Who

*celebrating the shop's second birthday in style - TWICE! - to make up for being denied the oppurtunity last year

*finish my story, be it a novel or novella - that has stalled as I killed the main character's Mum and realised I wasn't ready to face that yet

*the continuation of my new RPG, Cactus Land

*there is also the RPG event I have planned with Andy to come

*dropping another jean size, if not two

*new friends and new horizons, old friends and new adventures

You'll have nothing left to squander

I've contemplated one of those long rambling blogs that lays it all out there.

But what's the point? I only have half of the story to tell and at certain points only a quarter.

"Understanding is a three edged sword. Their side, your side and the truth."

All you'll get from me is my side. And to tell you that I have to go into things that probably aren't my place to talk about.

So instead I will simply express my exasperation. I take responsibility for my actions and culpability for my mistakes. I have apologised where I feel remorse, for where I have lashed out in pain.

But I won't apologise for how I feel. Or for what I wanted.

My biggest mistake was swallowing this for so long and marginalising what I want. I've wasted so much time.

So I won't go on any further, but these two Skunk Anansie songs says it all...







I'm not sleeping very well. Woke up three times the other night. Once because I felt I was being crushed - like really crushed as if I was in a car crusher or something. Once because I'd had a vivid dream about everything and woke up furious, really truly angry. And finally because I smacked my face on the metal bed frame, which felt like I'd nearly broken my nose.

I haven't been that self destructive in my sleep since I lived above the Rolly and in my sleep tried to burst one of my eyes on the corner of my bedside bookcase.

I'd not long split up with Jessica if memory serves.

Before I close the book on this, one thing I do want to share with you all. One thing that helps prove it wasn't all in my head. This is an excerpt of a conversation I had on Facebook chat on 14th April 2009.

I copied and pasted it into TextEdit in order to save it, because I feared one day I would look like an overweight, misguided fool who had made it all up. Yes, that is slightly mental and extremely paranoid.

Life has taught me to be this way.

When I was particularly low last year - and completely lacking in any self worth after Mum died - I also treasured it as an artifact of a glimpse at an alternate world where I got to have a happily ever after. Pathetic, but true.

All I have edited is our names to 'She' and 'Him' and corrected one typo where I typed 'form' where I meant 'from'.

She And Him is a reference I expect very few of you will get. Sorry. If you wish to know, do ask. But otherwise, I'll keep it to myself. With a wistful smile, rather than any sense of elitism.

She
this might be an awful thing to say, but I wish I'd met you years ago

Him
Me too. But life isn't like that. We don't get to pick and choose. We have to keep from being to jaded to see the diamonds in the rough.
And how - pray tell - is that awful?
:p
Am I somehow to blame for not opening Proud Lion sooner? Huh? Huh? ;)

22:47

She
nope, because earlier I could have been yours

Everything sucks. Again.

Today, I did the hardest thing in the world. I cut the strongest connection I have ever forged with another human being aside from my parents.

And now it has got really messy.

Life is so continuously wretched.

Dear February 2010, please be the start of better times. Can't face much more of this.

One small aside, I am a tiny weeny bit encouraged to find a photo of me I actually like for once. Full respect to Angrycanine Lovestick. Taken at January's Sega Vs Nintendo Judder.

People are... SUCH a mystery...

I am on the cusp of falling really low again.

I am so, SO exhausted. Work => sleep => worry about money => feel lonely => crack a dumb joke to hide it all => rinse => repeat. As a work flow, it's becoming really tiring.

I enjoy the trappings of modern life. Music, film, internet, gadgets. Yes, I want an iPad. I've wanted a new laptop for a while but hate my work desktop so much I will never buy another PC if I can help it. The limited word processing on the iPad will do me perfectly until I'm home and can write properly. It fits the bill of what I want, and will cost me about half the price of a Mac laptop. Swish.

But do I REALLY need it? Not really. It's just another thing to keep me working, scrabbling for money and never wondering what really matters. How can any of us ever truly finish putting ourselves together - let alone reassembling ourselves after a trauma - when modern society is designed to keep us fighting just to survive.

It feels really hippy dippy to say it but this morning I awoke and wanted something new. I want a tiny little cottage somewhere that is mine and mine alone. Hell, give me some land and sometime and I'll have a damn good go at building one myself. I LOVED building the shop interior and many of those skills can be scaled UP.

Take me off the national grid. I'll use dynamo powered small appliances, solar power - steam power if I have to. Give me space to grow my own crops, raise my own animals, keep my own pets. Give me a computer for entertainment and I'll concede to pay some corporate ass for a phone line. After that, be gone.

I want to opt out of this rat-race. It's the clarion call of the Sixties and Seventies counter-culture movement in my head.

If I have to live alone, I want to be truly alone. I want to make a fort in the woods and live or die at my behest, not the shrill ding of the almighty dollar and it's muted, brain-dead sterling cousin.

Then if anyone wants to be my friend - and not just feed off me and lie to me and make demands of me and resent me when I make demands of them, taking my love without giving back and hate me when I can't be that person any more - then they can come to me. They can walk up the path and stay for a while. For a short while or a long while.*

Human social interaction is addictive. I like it. I have an addictive personality. And to cure yourself of an addiction sometimes you have to go completely cold turkey.

* = yes this sounds a little resentful and mental, hence why I have fudged the punctuation. Because - fuck it - pain isn't organised and carefully worded. Except when you are writing a pretentious and self indulgent blog entry.

All this has happened before and all this will happen again...

Finally getting chance to blog about this. Here's a piece of entertainment news that caught my eye over Christmas:

Michael McIntyre Breaks Peter Kay DVD Record

Michael McIntyre's DVD - 'Michael McIntyre Hello Wembley!' has broken the Peter Kay record for the fastest selling UK stand-up DVD of all time by reaching 1,091,000 sales surpassing Peter's record of 1,080,000 copies for his 2003 release of 'Peter Kay Live At The Bolton Albert Halls'. Already holding the number 1 spot in the total DVD chart across all genres, 'Michael McIntyre Hello Wembley!' is set to become the UK's number 1 DVD on Christmas Day.

This is pretty amazing isn't it? Love him or hate him, McIntyre has pretty much become the definition of overnight success.

Back in 2007, I remember showing friends and Swin City customers some of his stuff, notably from the Royal Variety Performance. Virtually none of the people I showed had heard of him before, but everyone like his stuff.

Wind on to present day and McIntyre is now tipped to take over from Jonathon Ross on the Friday Night With... show. His DVDs are massive sellers and his arena tours are sell outs.

Why has McIntyre become such a hit? It took many of his great comedian peers years to achieve such success. Evans. Izzard. Bailey. Noble. All took a lot longer to get to sell out arena tours. Does McIntyre have some Faustian pact raising his profile?

Hardly. The truth is much simpler.

In the time between me showing people his stuff on YouTube in 2007 and receiving a copy of his best selling new DVD for Christmas 2009, the world's economy has jumped in the toilet.

Life is harder, and people are struggling. People need entertainment. In the Great Depression of the 1920s, vaudeville entertainment was big business. It was an era dubbed the 'Roaring Twenties'. No one had any money, things were grim. So people needed to laugh and enjoy themselves more than ever. All this has happened before and all this will happen again.

I suspect the rise of McIntyre can be attributed to the same. I could wax lyric about his broad demographic appeal, but I won't bother. It's obvious to anyone with half a brain. McIntyre even plays up to this in his act with jokes referencing the way his face looks a little Chinese and that he comes across as being slightly camp.

It's been a hard few years. But it is always darkest before the dawn.

Only a few years ago, McIntyre was broke. Debt collectors were coming round. The ever reliable Wikipedia (!) tells me that he recently cancelled a gig in November 2009 with only half an hour's notice because he found out it was a corporate event for a room full of debt collectors.

The man has some principals. Wonderful!

And skipping IS magnificent.

Wondering about the colour status thing on Facebook?

Here's the transcript of a wonderful internet altercation I had yesterday. I present it here without editorial at this time other than to say I lost all four grandparents to cancer effectively, so let's assume my card is marked.

Cancer is no laughing matter, but being English I cope with many things using humour. Often inappropriate humour.

However I will mention that another friend suggested we use the Bristol Stool Scale and simply post status saying "Ben is a 4", etc. By the end of the day yesterday 4 or 5 male friends were joining in.

Right here we go, the names have been edited to protect the innocent.

Adie Knits-A-Lot
What's with all these colour status'? Colour me confused!
Yesterday at 14:31

Matt Evil (no relation)
It's a secret girl thing where they're disclosing their bra colours for breast cancer awareness or something.
Yesterday at 14:32

Adie Knits-A-Lot
Why do you know secret girl things b4 I do?
Yesterday at 14:37

Benneth
Yeah, nothing raises awareness like alienating a whole gender. "Shhh, don't tell the boys. Tee hee." Grow up, it's fucking schoolyard.
I'm all for raising breast cancer awareness and all cancer awareness. But the 'secret girl thing' aspect of this is juvenile.
Boys, to raise awareness of prostate cancer lets secretly tell each other the consistency of our morning bowel movements...
Yesterday at 14:39

Matt Evil (no relation)
I used a combination of my eyes and the colours that girls were posting to establish a visible correlation and extended it from there.
Yesterday at 14:45

Adie Knits-A-Lot
Ah, I finally got my message from "the girls" explaining what's going on!
Yesterday at 20:34

Shrill Hairdo Bond
Ben, I do feel you totally went over the line with that comment. This MIGHT have something to do with breast cancer awareness, I don't know, but this was all done in fun. If anyone is being juvenile it's you. It seems you have gotten all bent out of shape because you were not invited to join. If you would like to be invited then let me send you an ... See Moreemail. Cussing at us and trying to put us down for having fun and maybe bring awareness to someone about their body was inappropriate and made me embarrassed for you.
Yesterday at 21:19

Benneth
Erm, because it was secret, how the hell would I have known who to email in the first place?
Get your head out of you rear. I have raised money and awareness by supporting several friends who have done the Moonwalk.
Frankly anything that is designed to confuse others is elitist and immature.
Yesterday at 21:36

Shrill Hairdo Bond
"Erm", you obviously didnt read my comment very well. I said I would send YOU an invite since you got so bent out of shape for not being involved.....sometimes you just cant fix stupid.
Yesterday at 21:48

Benneth
Melody, we have never met. But feel free to make a sweeping judgement. I should know better than to rise to abuse on the internet. People say things they would never say in real life. My original comments were aimed at no specific person, merely the superiority concept involved in excluding men. Farewell and good night. I'm still a 4 by the way...
Yesterday at 21:56

Catching up

Long time, no blog.

Christmas time at retail is always manic, so that kept me busy. Plus it was the first Christmas without Mum, so it was pretty hard.

Dad and I did quite well. I made the roast dinner Christmas Day which kept me busy and Dad travelled down to Cheltenham.

The picture shows Dad, amazed at the size of his roast dinner. I went all out. I had a lot of help in the preceding months prepping for that with practise Sunday roast dinners. Many thanks to Lex for all her invaluable help.

It was nice to get away from the old family home, which was even more empty over Christmas. We headed back in the late afternoon so as not to leave Khan (my 17 year old cat who still lives at my parents' house) on his own and watch Doctor Who.

Mini review of The End Of Time. The writing was shambolic and messy. Tennant, Cribbins, Dalton and Simm all excelled at wringing great performances out of the bad script. RTD showed moments of his old flair, I loved the cafe scene in part one and the goodbyes to the companions in part two was lovely. In fact, everything from the point where the Time Lords had vanished and Wilf knocks on the glass was pretty damn good.

I have no faults with the regeneration. The Tenth Doctor gave his life to save one wonderful man. And radiation poisoning takes time to kill. He would have had time to visit those old friends before the end if you ask me. The extra energy released that destroyed the console room could be explained as The Doctor's body expelling that radiation to enable him to regenerate.

And Matt Smith? I take back any criticism. Though I suspect Geronimo may grate as a catchphrase for me. The trailer for the new season looks awesome, particularly the lighting - very film like.

Right, what else? Oh, snowmageddon. I can't believe the county has ground to a halt from some snow. In the Eighties, the councils would listen to the weather reports and grit in advance of snow doing the roads and the pavements. Kids would be kept at school till the end of the day giving the councils time to make things safer and allow life to go on as usual.

This is barely any snow compared to some places in the world that deal with this every day. I have friends in Colorado who can drive in blizzards! Man up UK!

That said, I did cancel some plans last night after swimming as I wanted to go home, warm up and generally feel sorry for myself. The snow and ice of last year caused Mum to slip and crack her hip. It was the beginning of the end. Read back through my blogs for more. I'm tired of going over it, sorry.

I have stated I need to be more selfish in 2010. I spent 2009 trying to save all my friends, putting their needs first, hoping that would somehow make me a good person and life would magically reward me. It doesn't work like that. I've had some difficult conversations, explaining feelings I'd kept partly under wraps and extricated myself from some compromising situations. I should have done that a long time ago, but you can only do what you feel is right at the time and attempt to fix it later if you realise you were wrong.

You can't save everyone. And you can't save anyone when you aren't on an even keel yourself. I'm still perservering with Heroes and it did reward me with one line of dialogue this week that really resonated with me.

"He's empathetic beyond his years, but now it's his time to grieve and he has absolutely no idea how to go about it. He needs a shoulder to lean on. Yours."

I need to spend more time working out what I want, what makes me happy and finding away to combat the self loathing. I'm getting better. I do like who I am. Occasionally, I love who I am. But only occasionally.

I can't rely on anyone to do that for me. Not because I don't have friends. I have wonderful friends. But this needs to come from me.

I've got a new sofa and I need to spend more time sat on it learning to enjoy my own company again. When I moved to Cheltenham all I did was work alone and sit in my living room alone and retreat back to Swindon. Now Cheltenham feels like home, in part because of the kindness of some wonderful people. I need to find the balance between social time and me time.

I watched a DVD last night. Ironically it was My Name Is Bruce. The irony will be lost on most of you, so I won't go into it. But it was good fun and just what I needed.

Work in progress.