You'll have nothing left to squander

I've contemplated one of those long rambling blogs that lays it all out there.

But what's the point? I only have half of the story to tell and at certain points only a quarter.

"Understanding is a three edged sword. Their side, your side and the truth."

All you'll get from me is my side. And to tell you that I have to go into things that probably aren't my place to talk about.

So instead I will simply express my exasperation. I take responsibility for my actions and culpability for my mistakes. I have apologised where I feel remorse, for where I have lashed out in pain.

But I won't apologise for how I feel. Or for what I wanted.

My biggest mistake was swallowing this for so long and marginalising what I want. I've wasted so much time.

So I won't go on any further, but these two Skunk Anansie songs says it all...







I'm not sleeping very well. Woke up three times the other night. Once because I felt I was being crushed - like really crushed as if I was in a car crusher or something. Once because I'd had a vivid dream about everything and woke up furious, really truly angry. And finally because I smacked my face on the metal bed frame, which felt like I'd nearly broken my nose.

I haven't been that self destructive in my sleep since I lived above the Rolly and in my sleep tried to burst one of my eyes on the corner of my bedside bookcase.

I'd not long split up with Jessica if memory serves.

Before I close the book on this, one thing I do want to share with you all. One thing that helps prove it wasn't all in my head. This is an excerpt of a conversation I had on Facebook chat on 14th April 2009.

I copied and pasted it into TextEdit in order to save it, because I feared one day I would look like an overweight, misguided fool who had made it all up. Yes, that is slightly mental and extremely paranoid.

Life has taught me to be this way.

When I was particularly low last year - and completely lacking in any self worth after Mum died - I also treasured it as an artifact of a glimpse at an alternate world where I got to have a happily ever after. Pathetic, but true.

All I have edited is our names to 'She' and 'Him' and corrected one typo where I typed 'form' where I meant 'from'.

She And Him is a reference I expect very few of you will get. Sorry. If you wish to know, do ask. But otherwise, I'll keep it to myself. With a wistful smile, rather than any sense of elitism.

She
this might be an awful thing to say, but I wish I'd met you years ago

Him
Me too. But life isn't like that. We don't get to pick and choose. We have to keep from being to jaded to see the diamonds in the rough.
And how - pray tell - is that awful?
:p
Am I somehow to blame for not opening Proud Lion sooner? Huh? Huh? ;)

22:47

She
nope, because earlier I could have been yours