Sometime last month, I had a real breakthrough. Having felt increasingly lost and erratic over the last few years - particularly in the wake of Mum's death - I finally found a GP who would treat me like a human being and referred me for counselling.
I've had several rounds of counselling before, usually resulting in a generic response of, "It's all your parents' fault." There is an element of truth in that, but it's no help moving forward. I had a bad reaction with antidepressants as a teenager and had no desire to return to them either. I did have some great success with hypnotherapy but something ultimately derailed the good work that had done.
More counselling was something I viewed with trepidation and sadly the first round of appointments with the new counselor were horrible. We dragged up all kinds of old, painful memories with little or no understanding of how to overcome the damage they have left on my life. I found the whole thing quite hard and I crashed badly.
Then a quirk of fate changed everything. I changed my opening times at the shop due to the needs of the business and my own need for a weekend. Unable to keep my existing appointments, I moved to a new day and in the process gained a new counselor.
Knowing I didn't want to go back to square one, I sat down and wrote out all the past memories, the context and the realisations I had already come to. I showed this document to one very dear friend and then sent them to my new counselor and my GP.
She took everything on board and met me with a mixture of empathy, reassurance and gave me an open forum to talk. I very quickly had this real breakthrough. I came to it myself, but there was definite guidance.
I've spent over fifteen years feeling miserable and slightly unstable. Ill equipped to deal with the modern world and all the inherent stress. My big ball of CRAZY. But now I see I have four issues that comprise this ball. This is huge. I can see them as separate things, try to understand where they come from and take appropriate measures. Here they are, in no particular order.
1. SELF WORTH
My self worth was shot to shit. Simple as that. I worked this out some years ago, so this isn't new. Over the last few years I have learnt to love myself and be mostly happy with my own company. I like the way I treat others and I feel I have some incredibly positive attributes. There are still many things that give me pause for thought, but essentially I'm pretty awesome. I love with my whole heart and do nice things for those I care about because I want to, not because I want or expect something in return.
2. SELF ESTEEM
This is totally separate and still a pretty large issue. I worry that I don't make a good first impression. I struggle to talk to strangers unless introduced. I can be painfully shy in new group situations. I second guess myself all the time. But now I understand some of the other reasons behind that.
3. BODY IMAGE
This is very keenly linked to the previous issue. I'm always going to be a big guy, I have huge shoulders. But a combination of school bullying, my mother's own weight issues and struggling with the next item have meant that I have tended to binge eat to cope. Now I'm calorie counting again and getting to the gym three times a week. I'm doing my best to look after myself a little better everyday, without taking it to extremes. I've still got a long way to go, but I'm a little happier with it all.
4. ANXIETY
This is new and probably the most important. I worry all the time, to the point of anxiety. I jump at shadows in my mind, constantly assess worst case scenarios for all manner of situations and frequently make two plus two equal twenty-two. Sometimes that is benign and quite amusing, but often it is debilitating and self destructive. It can lead to insecurity and jealousy, fear and unhappiness. Clearly this has been going on for years and my default when anxious was to eat something so that the brief happy feeling would slow the mental onslaught.
Now I keep a diary of the worst of these moments and can use it to debunk some of my foolish assumptions and worries. Denying myself binge eating as a coping mechanism - and given the clarity to understand it is anxiety issues - has allowed my brain to step down from siege mentality to peaks and troughs of worrying. The worst of these recently triggered a mild panic attack, but that was something I could actually tangibly deal with. It wasn't pretty, but it was an improvement.
All four things are interlinked. Having greater self worth makes it easier for me to stand up to myself and say no when I'm clearly being silly. Losing weight and improving my self esteem - however slowly - means I now feel I won't get trapped in a dynamic where I'm being taken for granted or my good nature is being abused. If someone does that, I will make my case. If it continues, I'll leave.
This is new. I've clung to destructive relationships and friendships for fear of ending up alone. I long ago abandoned the myth that somewhere out there, there is "The One". People change over time. Life is change. Something that works now, may not work in the future. Rather than cling to what is now, I hope I can remember the good times and move on. After all, there is a bell curve...
That said, despite the panic attacks and my brain making some horrible assumptions sometimes, this is the happiest I've been in a long time.
