People Are Stupid, Episode One

Some conversations are just plain dumb. I am frequently astounded by the things I overhear or the dialogue people enter into with me.

Example:

Guy enters shop

GUY: This is new.

BEN: Well, we’ve been here about six months now.

GUY: So not that long then.

Guy looks around quickly.

GUY: Have you got any bargains?

BEN: There’s the 50p box here.

GUY: Any good stuff in here?

BEN: Well, mostly they are in there for a reason…

Maybe it’s just me but seriously folks, you aren’t gonna get gold for the rpice of a can of soft drink.

This was a conversation I heard on the bus this morning…

Bus drives past a billboard poster

MAN: I didn’t know he made that.

WOMAN: What?

MAN: Gordon Ramsey. I didn’t know he makes gin.

WOMAN: He doesn’t, they just asked him to advertise it for them because he has the same name. (pauses) Of course, then it sould be called Ramsey’s Gin.

MAN: Huh?

Bless.

Good news and bad news...

Yay! New Red Dwarf for 2009!

http://www.reddwarf.co.uk/news/2008/09/19/new-red-dwarf-specials-confirmed/

I loved Red Dwarf, it was there through all of my childhood and it last transmitted in 1999, the first time I lived in Cheltenham.

OK, so season 7 was shite, but 8 bought back some of the old magic for me in what was otherwise a pretty miserable year.

And now, here I am in Chelters again and blow me down if the boys from the Dwarf aren’t back,

Nice.

Dave are behind it would you believe? They’re actually commissioning new TV! What next? A new UK series of Who’s Line...? Ah man, that would rock. For now though, I have Mock The Week and Frankie Boyle to keep me in chuckles.

Oh and the bad news? My front room has a patch of damp. Found it behind my old lap tray today whilst tidying. It’s killed the lap tray and is too close to my DVD collection for my liking.

Time to call the agency methinks.

I mean, yeah, I dry clothes in that room too but I’ve done that in most house I’ve lived in and it’s never created damp before.

Stupid bloody Cheltenham and stupid bloody water. Days like this i miss the pig hill safety of Swindon.

Never mind, eh?

The different metal music of the world

High above in a castle, there’s a princess who was kidnapped, locked in there and is now “guarded” by a terrible huge menacing dragon”...

HEAVY METAL:
The protagonist arrives on a Harley Davidson, kills the dragon, drinks some beers and fucks the princess

GRIND METAL:
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves…

POWER METAL:
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and they make love in an enchanted forest

THRASH METAL:
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princes and fucks her....... easy and quick

FOLK METAL:
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (from all the dancing) and the protagonist leaves without the princess

VIKING METAL:
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his migthy axe, cooks and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals the castle and burns the place before he leaves

DEATH METAL:
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves

BLACK METAL:
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in the front of the castle.....then sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her.....then he impales the deflowered princess

GORE METAL:
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in the front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her....then he fucks again her dead body, slashes her belly open and eats her guts, fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time

DOOM METAL:
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks that he never could beat him, gets depressed and commits suicide....the dragon eats his body and the princess as well

PROGRESSIVE METAL:
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo for 26 minutes, the dragon kills himself out of boredom, the protagonist arrives to the princess’ bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques learned in the last year of the conservatory… the princess escapes, and is now looking for the “HEAVY METAL” protagonist

GLAM METAL:
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy’s looks and lets him enter, he steals the princess’ make-up, convinces her to dye her hair and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color

INDUSTRIAL METAL:
The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes an obscene gestures towards the dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.

FUN METAL:
The protagonist arrives with a CD of HELGE SCHNEIDER, the Dragon gets a fit of laughter and the princess eats a slice of bread with cheese.

with thanks to me old mucker Zoe Strobe! :)

Welcome To Intermission

After all the strife of recent days, here’s something that tickled me no end recently…

This Blog Is Not Yet Rated

You know, I was gonna piss and moan about what a shit day it was.

But it wasn’t. Not all of it.

I had a bad few hours where I discovered I had been mis-sold a product and that no one would accept culpability.

And that the regulatory bodies who are supposedly there to protect us…

...don’t.

I had a salesman stand in my shop. Look me in the eye. And promise that his company could save me money on my telecomms service.

That has not been the case. I will save money over the next few years, but at the cost of a penalty fee that was never supposed to happen. A distressingly large fee. I won’t end up better off, put it that way.

I shan’t go into it any further. It’s boring and upsetting.

But somewhere out there is a man who lied to me. Lied to me to my face. I hope karma gets you sir - for you are a shit.

In fact, any salesman who lies to get a sale. Anyone who dishonestly makes a buck at the expense of his fellow man. Every person who is able to do that everyday and then come home, have a decent night’s sleep in a bed lined with the money stolen from someone else and never let it bother you. To all of you, I have one sentiment to offer.

Die.

I will never ever lie in my store. And if I eventually find myself in a position to hire staff ,that will be spelt out as gross misconduct. If a customer asks me my opinion on a product, I will tell them the truth.

If I haven’t read it or played it and thus have no frame of reference, I will not lie and say I have to make a sale. If I think it’s shit, I’ll say so. I would rather mark an item down to cost price or lower to clear it than polish a turd and call it gold.

I cannot say who the telecomm provider were who ripped me off. SUch sNide behavIour CannOt be allowed in My blog. Nope. That would not do. Hmmm, where did I put my UNIcycle? Is it behind the COMpost bin?

It has been one of those days where I despise of my fellow man, A friend whom I respect said yesterday that he believes that most of humanity is basically decent.

I agree.

The rest of them work in sales.

Booooargh!

More bullpointy bloggetty blogging fun…

* I am indeed a tad squiffy.

* Darren’s was ace, but sadly brief due to rubbish train times. I missed some folks I wanted to see, but also thankfully some I didn’t…

* And I was mistaken for Roy! So that’s one goal achieved! Bless…

* I have realised via the mediums of bourbon, trains and an iPod that Bleed American by Jimmy Eat World makes me want to learn to play the bass guitar.

* Of course The Color And The Shape by the Foo Fighters make me want to learn the drums so both are unlikely to happen.

* I’m contemplating an extra swim sesh in the late morn’ of the ‘moro. Am I nuts?

* I am mostly glad to see the back of this week to be honest for various reasons.

* I’m gonna have to skip another Judder due to fundage. Sigh. Bloody birthdays and new gym passes.

* And I have nothing else interesting to say. Ah well…

* Oh, in case the Large Hadron Colider ends the world next week and I forget to say it before then - you guys all rock. Loving your work. Keep on trucking. And big hugs to all - except those who don’t like to be touched and then i’ll just wave affectionately.

Water, water everywhere...

Horrible weather isn’t it? Again.

Still, no moaning from me about that here.

Instead I’d like to talk about the English Channel.

I’m going to swim it!

Well, not literally. I’m going to fo the Aspire Channel Swim challenge. Between September 14th and December 7th, I need to complete a total of 1064 lengths of pool to equate the channel.

I’m currently doing 24 lengths a session and intend to get this up to 30 next week.

Then, 3 times a week I shall go and do 30 lengths per session. Then on my last session before the end date, I will only have to do 14 lengths to hit my goal!

I shall keep you apraised, but this seems like a great way to spearhead my new drive to do more swimming.

The charity Aspire works to help people “with spinal cord injury to create opportunity, choice and independence.”

I will be raising money for them whilst doing this - you can sponsor me here.

I don’t expect anyone to do so - times are hard and mandatory begging for charity is crass - but if you feel inclined please do so.

Thanks folks.

Wish me luck!

Bullet point blogging

* Tired, must sleep, but first blogging…

* Gen-Con UK => crap

* Day out with new friends => fun

* “Put A Donk On It” => worst song ever…

* …though it has inspired the donk card. A penalty for tasteless or tacky jokes/comments.

* A card which is going to be far sparklier than it is now apparently.

* Pool in Cheltenham now open! Woot!

* Membership is costing me about £7.50 more than the swim only pass in Swindon and gives me access to the pool, the sauna, the spa, the gym and the running track amongst other things.

* Pros - shiny, newly refitted facility, 50p lockers, free-to-use hairdryers, swimming lanes that are 1.5 times the size of those in the Health Hydro in Swindon - one lane up, one lane down and an overtaking lane - simple but effective.

* Cons - co-ed changing rooms (individual cubicles though) and with only one major leisure facility in Cheltenham it has a rather high percentage of chavs (hopefully just because it was newly reopened, they were bored and it is still the summer holidays).

* Summer holidays - how I chuckled to myself as I wrote that. So long summer.

* I did 24 lengths today, now bad for my first time in six months. When I started back to the pools in Swindon in January it took be ages to build up to 30 from a paltry ten per sesh in the first week, so I take a small measure of pride in that.

* Warhawk now has jetpacks - bloody good fun.

* Finally, I’m back in Swindon on Saturday 6th for Dazza’s birthday - will be around for just a couple of hours due to trains - unless I get an offer worth staying overnight for! ;)

* That is meant not in a lothario/Jabba The Hutt kinda way and more in a any-mates-wanna-meet-up-Sunday? kinda way.

* I’ve been hiding my lack of a haircut with gel and some lame styling but I need a haircut - anywhere good in Cheltenham to go? By good, I mean good - AND CHEAP!

* I’m off to see John Barrowman and Russell T Davies talk at the literary festival.

* I’m still nuturing dreams of going to Edinburgh Festival, Essen and SDCC in the coming years. Forlorn dreams that require money SO COME TO PROUD LION AND BUY STUFF! :)

* Although I shouldn’t really go to essen for I am cursed when it comes to games shows it seems.

* Got to replay and complete Beneath A Steel Sky this week. Bloody good. I miss point and click adventure games. If Sonic is going 2D sidways scrolly again, can’t we have Guybrush or Ben Throttle or Robert Foster back in glorious SCUMMy glory?

* Gemma has sold her house! Congrats to her - still worried about where Boots will end up living though. I wish I had a house/flat where I could have a cat. :(

* Games night is going really well - loving that, so thanks to everyone. Has really helped me feel more at home in Chelters and has (for the most part) banished the blues of my early self indulgent blogs.

* Finally, just saw the BBC1 repeat of Mischief: Britain’s Really Disgusting Foods. That was revolting - and whilst it’s not news most of it, I would say it is certainly harder to ignore that knowledge when you have seen it laid bare so disturbingly. If you want to know what I mean, watch this on iPlayer over the next 7 days. Not for the faint hearted. :)