So...

Are you sure you want to delete it?

I’ve been struggling at the moment.

On April 25th 2009, at around 8pm, my Mum died.

It wasn’t unexpected in many ways, but it was sudden and shocking. I won’t go into details now, but things ended for her in agony. Which is heartbreaking.

I have all sorts of emotions rolling around, but I felt numb. This has begun to get scary. There were no real tears at the service. None the night she died. And with my past, this was very troubling. It was like i was stood on the hosepipe.

So Friday night, I went out with some friends to Judder at the 2 Pigs. Went out looking to have some fun, maybe make a connection, who knows.

Instead I ended up walking home alone feeling hideous and disconnected from the world.

Then a bloke mouthed off in the kebab house. Usually I’d let it lie. But this time I reacted. I won’t go into details but whilst I didn’t pick a fight, I certainly didn’t walk away and things escalated because of my actions.

Well, I was shitfaced and got my head kicked in. He got lucky and shat himself when I got back up from his beating. I intended to kill him. Thankfully he ran away, calling a mate for back up as he went. I was dumb enough to go looking for him but he’d gone.

My face is a mess, there was a lot of blood and pain.

But I could feel it.

Suddenly Fight Club made a lot of sense.

Now, before you judge me - someone has beaten you to it. I have made a loved one a promise not to do this again, and I mean it.

And another dear friend pointed out I’m not numb any more.

I intend to seek professional grief counselling. But I’m also going to try to blog about some of what has happened. What is happening. And how I feel.

Bottling my emotions up never works. That’s one thing I know.

Mum’s death has left me feeling the keen sense of loneliness I have had for sometime in 5.1 surround sound at full volume. It’s possible I wasn’t numb but so scared of being completely alone it drowned out everything else.

The hardest times are last thing at night and first thing in the morning. It may sound pathetic, but I wish there was someone to hold me in the dark. And to greet me as the painful memories of who I am and what is going on return with the morning.

There so much more to talk about, but I’m tired.

If you have been, thanks for reading.