When the bough breaks...

Today has been hard.

But in a good way.

A few days ago, I was recommended to listen to the Radio 4 Afternoon Play from last Friday, Do’s and Don’ts for the Mentally Interesting, based on Seaneen Molloy’s blog The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive, her account of learning to live and love with bipolar disorder.

Yo can find it here - http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00k4kkl/b00k4kj9/Afternoon_Play_Dos_and_Donts_for_the_Mentally_Interesting/ - until 3:02pm, Friday 15th May 2009.

I’ll be honest at first I put it off.

Then I was just too busy.

Until today. The comic delivery arrived and I like to have something to take my mind off the more montonous parts of Thursday’s tasks. So I put it on.

And it opened the flood gates. I cried. Not big, sobbing buckets - I still fear they are to come. Well, not fear - welcome. I need to, but have felt numb or unable to thus far.

I merely welled up, but it happened several times whilst listening to the radio drama. Seaneen’s horrors were exacerbated when her father died. At one point she cut herself in an attempt to release the pressure building up inside her.

It sounded very much like my feelings when I made the decision to get into a fight that lead to me getting my face haphazardly rearranged.

Her words helped. Her honesty helped. And I finally felt a bit of release.

It then happened again whilst watching the latest episode of Bones. And again whilst showing a key moment from the episode before to a friend.

It remains hard to feel able to let it out in the shop. People have walked in at points when I have tear stained eyes which I’m finding really embarrassing. But I don’t want to stand on the hose any longer.

This doesn’t come in isolation. I had a revelation on a different matter last night - something that I realised has been a barrier to me dealing with Mum’s death.

I was already emotionally broken when Mum died, but I can see I’m moving on now. It’s something I don’t want to talk about, I’m open about my life for the most part but some things aren’t for public consumption.

Now I may be able to deal with the loss of my Mum.

Next Monday I’m seeing my new GP to ask to be referred for grief counselling.

We scatter her ashes next Sunday. I have made sure I have someone who can catch me the day after.

And I’ve put various fun and exciting things in motion for the rest of 2009.

I found a card from Mum and Dad in my filing cabinet at the shop just before I started writing this. It commemorated the day the shop became one year old. Mum had written it, in the larger writing that characterised her last few years as her sight continued to fail. It was still recognisably her handwriting.

This is probably the last card I ever got from my Mum. It’s full of love and pride.

I miss her very much.

Thank you to everyone who has/is and will continue to help me.