Back on the sauce...

Actually I’m not really. Had a couple last night, in a friendly and already very chilled environment. At home. Although it did signal the end of my evening as I started to wind down and withdraw, so my current assumptions on booze and me stands.

I’m back to Swindon tonight. Taking the double bed and getting set to stop a few days with Dad.

I’m out tonight for a sociable curry and catch up. All good. Not going to drink much, but may have one or two. Shall see how it feels and try to use my best judgement.

Then Sunday is the day. So we shall see what that stirs up.

I started this thinking I had something to say, but I don’t really. Things are OK. Nothing has improved, but I have had some pleasant evenings and it has halted the slide into misery. So thank you.

If wishes were horses is a thought that comes to mind with regards the future. Who knows.

Have just picked up the US Blu-Ray Star Trek Trilogy - Star Trek II, III, IV. A nice way of packaging three of the better films without the rubbish of some of the others - I’m looking at you, Shatner-directed V! Ugh. So that’s a nice marathon of geeky filmage for me sometime soon.

Still want a puppy and a kitten and am cursing living in rental property. Still miss having company first thing in the morning and last thing at night. But am trying to stay proactive and face forward.

Even if it is front towards enemy somedays.

I played the demo for InFamous last night. Not bad, but basically the sandbox Spidey games of recent years with electro powers. So, meh. Like it, but not enough to pay full price.

I’m quite pleased with The Surrogates trailer - looks good so far, despite the director’s baggage so fingers crossed there.

My pride-swallowing is netting mixed results. Still not really sure what to make of it, but worth a go.

Want to finally get swimming again next week. My eyes have gone down enough for me to have my passport photos done, so I can probably face hitting the pool without feeling people are looking at me for my black eyes. Just have to shrug of my usual feeling that people are judging me for being overweight. But that goes after a few minutes of being there, so I know I can do that.

Huh, I’ve just remembered why I wanted to write something. I had a conversation with a shadow from my Mum’s past yesterday. A man who had always been presented to me as my Mum’s ex-boyfriend. A man who’s presence in our lives as always been somethng that Dad has had to avoid, manage and suffer.

Well now it’s been suggested that Mum made it all up. That they never had a relationship in the past. That their friendship was just that, except in Mum’s head. That Mum who prized honesty above all else had lied several times in their association and that she had made it all up.

Why tell me? Why blacken my Mum’s name? It appears to me that this man is annoyed that he wasn’t invited ot the memorial service and won’t be joining us for the scattering of the ashes.

Which undermines what he says about not being that close to Mum. Why want to downplay any threat he may have been to my Dad in an attempt to get ‘in on the action’ of our grieving my Mum if you weren’t something important?

Lying. Destructive. And it will come out. Live your life as honestly as possible. And if you are caught out in a lie, come clean as easi;y as possible. Don’t compoiund it with more lies.

I’m a hypocrite there. Lies are essential in life, to minimise pain and avoid offence when the full facts can’t be disclosed.

But if you can avoid creating a cat’s cradle of untruth in your life you will be much happier. Because this shit always comes out.

And if it comes out when you’re gone, you can’t do anything to fi it or atone for it.

I’m managing a lot of anger right now and yesterday’s conversation didn’t help. He has the shop number. He rang me at work. Let that sink in. He rang me at work.

And then told me my Mum was a delussional liar. Ha. A woman who punished me as a kid for white lies. Taught me that omission of truth and obfuscation of fact is as bad as a lie. One of my biggest pet-hates is double standards. The dichotomy of which is that I know I have double standards of my own! Aaaaargh!

The worst thing is, he may be right. I still love my Mum very much. I accepted long ago she was falible. We all are.

But I’m afraid in lieu of a counsellor I’m going to have to offload these weird moments here.

What really angers me is the way people use other people to make loved ones jealous. It’s passive-aggressive control and I hate it.

If you have been, thanks for reading