The Lion, the Bitch and the Whore-drobe.

Drunk, I am. Make sense I may not. Hee hee hee hee…

Neil back in the house. Army Neil that is. For those that know him he needs no introduction. Those that don’t, Neil is in the REME (wReck Everything, Mainly Electrical) in the Army. He’s a Corporal who has jsut been promoted to Sergeant and some would refer to him as a liability.

Tonight I was reminded why!

Back from work, shower, change, Neil arrives. Off into town, Pizza Hut, small meal then Revolution for a banquet of JD, coke, chilli vodka, porridge vodka (seriously) and the arrival of our third Mouseketeer, Sadler.

Sadler again needs no introduction to most. The rest of you should just imagine.

Sadler, Neil and I eventually move onto the ‘spoons after much perving and drinking. Sadler is driving so his consumption is purely non-alchyfrolic.

Eventually we end up in a blues/rock bar. I forget which. Neil strolls in like he owns the joint missing the fact there is a cover charge on the door and is hauled back out.

Good start.

We get drinks, we get seats, and quickly we upgrade to safas. We eye a girl who is slinky and clearly looking for a good time but as latched onto two lame guys, one of which is sadly in truly awful white shorts.

Game for a laugh, we egg Neil on and send him up to try to sweep her away.

Her response? “Got any ketamine?”

Classy.

Neil makes small talk then extricates himself from the formerly slinky girl, now known to us as simply, ‘nuts’.

Then Sadler and I catch the eye of a girl sat at another table who comes over. She introduces herself with the opening gambit of, “you look like Orlando Bloom”.

This is aimed at Sadler I hasten to add. She wasn’t blind.

She then introduces herself to me and the boy, and asks if her friends can join us. Moments later, Jane and her cohorts join our talbe in one big happy table.

Sadler makes it discreetly clear he’s attached and Jane’s focus turns to me. We discuss real film names turned into pornos and I unleash and an old favourite - Glad-he-ate-her. It is a hit and we’re all laughing like drans. Jane moves so that our legs are rubbing against each other and we chat some more.

I feeling pretty damn God-like at this point.

Then we tune into Neil’s conversation with Jane’s friend. Sadly I’ m shallow enough to have missed her name.

Neil is trying to guess her weight, dress size and number of previous sexual partners.

The night deteriorates.

He’s a fucking plum,

All in all it was a quality night. I love that dumb fuck, he’s great.

Although Jane was damn hot. Beautiful even.

And i’m no Orlando Bloom, but second place is better than last.

Ah well.