Oh Benneth, Where Art Thou?

So this is new. I'm on a train back to Swindon, blogging on my Android phone. Having a full QWERTY keyboard on a mobile phone really is quite awesome. I've had this little beggar about a year and it's still a thing of beauty despite it's short battery life.

I'm heading back to the town of my birth as part of the King's Census... No wait, that's a past life. Ho hum. I'm heading back to give my Dad his advent calendar and try to sort out the problems from Monday.

I've been really low recently. This year and all the ups and downs have caught up with me. I feel like life is just entropy and loss. Mum's death weighs heavy on me. My personal life is a mess.

I was at my worst in a long time on Monday. Dad rang in the middle of this and got it both barrels. I just don't know the man. With Mum gone I have lost my main confidant and now I'm totally lost. Everything I know about Dad came from Mum explaining things to me. He has never opened up to me. My main male role model has always been distant and awkward. I'm almost 30, I can't hide behind that anymore but there is no denying the mark it has left on my life. I'm nervous, under confident and unhappy.

Being self employed maybe a mistake. I have very little company and my brain struggles with the highs and lows of my emotional state being so keenly tied to the shop's figures. Still this week was a good week, maybe Christmas has begun. I have bought a few new albums including the Chase & Status CD. Roll on next summer.

I hope tonight is OK. I'm dreading it frankly. I wish Mum was still here.