Crap. OR, why I am a rubbish son...

Just tore a strip off my Dad.

He’s been procrastinating over putting in the statement to the coroner regarding Mum for some time. And I finally snapped today.

It won’t bring her back I said. We won’t get any justice. Mental health failed her, but she was sectioned before she died. It will look like they did the best they couldwith a difficult patient. The coroner has aready ruled that turning her didn’t kill her, and whilst it remains suspicious, we can’t prove anything.

Meanwhile real world issues continue to pile up. The shop was supposed to have it’s internet shop and running in time for last Christmas. My Dad was doing it. He is notoriously slow at anything and if you nag him, he will simply just refuse to do it to spite you. Typical fucking Aries.

It was driving Mum mad. She knew how important it was. The webstore is about 90% finished. So, so close.

Her death has understandably put it on hold. But I need it to move forward now. I don’t have the expertise to do what needs doing. Trying to get in a professional now will probably mean starting from scratch and is expense I can’t afford.

I have more national advertising booked in SFX. I hoped to plug the webstore and reach a wider audience. it seems like it won’t happen now.

There are so many things I am unhappy with. I like me. I’ve fnially turned a corner there. I’m managing to retain a sense of self worth without needing constant reassurance from others - though it is pleasant when it comes.

But I hate living in rental accomodation. not the company, my housemates kick ass - but I want a pet! Not that I can afford to look after one properly. I want to be on the property ladder. I have some of a deposit, but no way to afford the mortgage repayments.

I want to go out more, meet new people. But I can’t really afford to go out clubbing at the moment. I’m beginning to despair of my situation. Seriously I’ve had enough.

I’m continuously looking for new goals, new ways to improve myself. My passport application is proceeding. I’m writing again and soliciting feedback. I’m working hard to tighten the shop’s ordering and promote the big titles and products instore. I’m keeping up with the calorie counting, the exercise and trying to focus on losing weight. I’m intending to get glasses sorted again and might learn to drive. I still have my OU prospectuses to look through and i’d still like to vlunteer for The Samaritans. I’m planning on doing the Aspire Swim Challenge again.

Biut i’m really, really not happy. I need things to change and I feel the root of that is money sadly. i have basically earned the same sort of money all my adult life and the cost of living is so exponentially higher. In that time all of my friends have passed be my and are much closer to the quality of life i want.

With more money I could go out more, worry less and generally reach for the next level of my life.

The webstore would provide the extra revenue stream the store needs to give me that chance.

I know if things don’t change soon, I’m running out of ways to ckeep myself upbeat and trying. I don’t want to give up, but I know I’m not far off.

2009 has been wretched and bless you all for your support, but I think you have all credited me with more strength than I have.

So I’ve just taken it out on my father. And now I feel even more wretched.

Yay.