My new manifesto - THLF aka THLuFf

TIME
HOPE
LOVE
FAITH

My new words to live by.

This month has been a hard month in a grindingly hard year. I really miss my Mum. She was a pain in the ass at times, but she was one person I could talk to about anything and everything.

A lot of things have been getting me down, as evidenced in my last blog (unbroadcast, but it is there). I felt pretty bleak and there were some fairly dark and self destructive thoughts on the Sunday before too.

It has been pointed out by several people that I am too hard on myself. The same is true of many of the people I really care about.

So here is my new manifesto. It’s simply a way of reminding myself to not give up and to keep trying. Sharks die if they stop moving and I feel a certain momentum is required to keep me going. So here it is:

TIME
Simply put, stop wanting everything to be perfect NOW. It will never happen. Keep trying. Be prepared to wait and see. Give yourself time to change, grow and adapt. Yes, you could die tomorrow but don’t beat yourself up because things aren’t perfect. Make plans, have fun, live. So yes, time. Be mindful of its amazing healing properties. All wounds? Perhaps not, but most pain lessens with time.

HOPE
Those of you reading comics, take heed. Those of you reading Green Lantern/Blackest Night especially. The Blue Lanterns are fast becoming my favourite Lanterns. Hope is an amazing thing. And I love that in Green Lantern mythology, hope is useless without willpower.
Also, Galen in Crusade (a spinoff from Babylon 5, the TV show that probably saved my life as a teenager) once wisely said, “There is always hope. Only because that is the one thing no one has figured out how to kill. Yet.”
Hope for better for yourself. Hope for better for those around you and those you love. I’m not going to labour this point, but when it’s dark - find some things to hope for. Doesn’t mean anything will change without you doing something and even then it might not work out, but at least you had a go. To quote someone I know. ;)

LOVE
Simply put, learn to love yourself and those around you.
I never, ever got that whilst Mum was alive. She used to tell me I had to learn to love myself before anyone else could. It seemed like a crock of shit to be honest, but very recently I realised I do.
I like me. I might even say I love me.
I’m not perfect, but I have reduced almost all the thngs about me that I disliked to a minimum and have emphasised my best qualities. The wrapper still needs work, but I’m getting there. I’ve finally found something that works for me.
I can be selfish sometimes, but I think one thing British people do all too often is martyr themselves. We put others first in an attempt to seem morally superior. Often hoping our good deeds will warrant a reward from those we have helped. Don’t be afraid to do what you need to do. Don’t resort to passive-aggressive tactics in social interaction. Be direct and honest with people as to your intentions and desires. It’ll be easier in the long run.
I don’t think loving yourself to the point of arrogance is much use. But a little swagger is no harm at all. I personally refuse to allow another person to make me question my entire self again. If I’m fucking up, I’ll try to fix it. But I’m going to keep this self worth I’m developing and nuture it. :)
Anyway, I digress.

FAITH
The hardest to quantify. I don’t mean religion. I mean faith in yourself and those around you that you trust. If you trust them, have faith in them to be there for you. And have some faith in yourself to make decisions and to stand your ground when it matters. To know how to pick your battles. If part of your life seems fucked, stop and realise its very rare that your whole lfe is a mess even if it feels that way. Think of the other areas of your life that are actually going well and take heart. I have whittled my friends list down to people I have faith in. If you can read this, you are probably a good person in my estimation. This is what I mean by faith in this context.

So there you have it. Very preachy and new age for me. I’m not entirely comfortable sharing it but I need to write it down., These words are mainly for me.

THLF or thluff is by way of trying to take everything positive I’ve learnt this year and actually apply it.

So if I’m freaking out or getting upset, please stop and remind me of this. It might not make a shred of difference at the time, but everything you guys say to me does go in.

It just may take time to process!

If you have been, thanks for reading.

Crap. OR, why I am a rubbish son...

Just tore a strip off my Dad.

He’s been procrastinating over putting in the statement to the coroner regarding Mum for some time. And I finally snapped today.

It won’t bring her back I said. We won’t get any justice. Mental health failed her, but she was sectioned before she died. It will look like they did the best they couldwith a difficult patient. The coroner has aready ruled that turning her didn’t kill her, and whilst it remains suspicious, we can’t prove anything.

Meanwhile real world issues continue to pile up. The shop was supposed to have it’s internet shop and running in time for last Christmas. My Dad was doing it. He is notoriously slow at anything and if you nag him, he will simply just refuse to do it to spite you. Typical fucking Aries.

It was driving Mum mad. She knew how important it was. The webstore is about 90% finished. So, so close.

Her death has understandably put it on hold. But I need it to move forward now. I don’t have the expertise to do what needs doing. Trying to get in a professional now will probably mean starting from scratch and is expense I can’t afford.

I have more national advertising booked in SFX. I hoped to plug the webstore and reach a wider audience. it seems like it won’t happen now.

There are so many things I am unhappy with. I like me. I’ve fnially turned a corner there. I’m managing to retain a sense of self worth without needing constant reassurance from others - though it is pleasant when it comes.

But I hate living in rental accomodation. not the company, my housemates kick ass - but I want a pet! Not that I can afford to look after one properly. I want to be on the property ladder. I have some of a deposit, but no way to afford the mortgage repayments.

I want to go out more, meet new people. But I can’t really afford to go out clubbing at the moment. I’m beginning to despair of my situation. Seriously I’ve had enough.

I’m continuously looking for new goals, new ways to improve myself. My passport application is proceeding. I’m writing again and soliciting feedback. I’m working hard to tighten the shop’s ordering and promote the big titles and products instore. I’m keeping up with the calorie counting, the exercise and trying to focus on losing weight. I’m intending to get glasses sorted again and might learn to drive. I still have my OU prospectuses to look through and i’d still like to vlunteer for The Samaritans. I’m planning on doing the Aspire Swim Challenge again.

Biut i’m really, really not happy. I need things to change and I feel the root of that is money sadly. i have basically earned the same sort of money all my adult life and the cost of living is so exponentially higher. In that time all of my friends have passed be my and are much closer to the quality of life i want.

With more money I could go out more, worry less and generally reach for the next level of my life.

The webstore would provide the extra revenue stream the store needs to give me that chance.

I know if things don’t change soon, I’m running out of ways to ckeep myself upbeat and trying. I don’t want to give up, but I know I’m not far off.

2009 has been wretched and bless you all for your support, but I think you have all credited me with more strength than I have.

So I’ve just taken it out on my father. And now I feel even more wretched.

Yay.

Kotov Syndrome

Taken from Wikipedia:

“In chess, Kotov syndrome is a phenomenon first described in Alexander Kotov’s 1971 book Think Like a Grandmaster. It occurs when a player thinks very hard for a long time in a complicated position, but does not find a clear path. The player then notices he is running low on time, and so quickly makes a move, often a terrible one that was not analyzed at all, and so loses the game. Once so described, many players have agreed that the process is very common.”

Peace

I had to blog quickly.

Tonight, a minor thing shattered the upbeat happy face I’d put on things. Just for a bit.

A lot of good friends rallied round and put me back on my horse.

There’s something that’s been going on for a while which periodically brings me great sadness.

It is also a source of great joy so I can’t decide what to do about it all.

I’ve always said there are a few things that need to stay with me and this is one of them. I want to move forward one way or another, but right now the only definite way to do that is unacceptable.

Anyway, it’s been hard these past few days but other aspects of my life have kept it in check.

Until something trivial as I mentioned.

I’m good again now. I’m golden.

But I was listening to some fairly self indulgent music. Thn i found the new Biffy single and that helped. But it’s not gonna chill me out.

Then I found the video below for the last Mode single. Usually Depeche Mode - bless them - do fairly miserable stuff. This is so uncharacteristically upbeat. ‘ve had trouble connecting with this album. The special edition of it is the last gift Mum ever gave me.

But this song? Wow, it has a whole new meaning and impact tonight.

Good night folks.