...I wanted to make videos for a living. I loved DV editing and ideally I wanted to progress to directed music videos and editing film trailers, then progress to TV series.
For various reasons, soon after finishing an HND in Media Production, I realised I don't have the thick skin or the ability to survive on no money at all required to break in. So now I run a comic shop. Having been a barman, a DJ, a doorman, an office temp and a retail manager. Funny old life.
Turns out some of my work is still online.
You can find three of my videos here on Myspace Video.
All of these were shot for little or no money, with a tiny crew. I can see many, many things I would do differently, but I'm still kinda proud of them.
Aw man, 2010 was better than 2009, but at points just as hard.
Denver was awesome and I ended the year visiting Venice which was wonderful, but the final few months of '10 were a real battle.
I fell off the wagon as winter drew in. The shop is freezing even with a heater and extra layers. It made my body demand constant fuel to burn to stay warm. Rather than eating more low calorie treats like fruit & veg and lean meat, I switched to junk like an idiot and piled some weight back on. That made me miserable in itself, but I also lost all enthusiasm for the gym which exacerbated the situation. Being cold all day, I just wanted to go home and warm up rather than drag myself to Fitness First.
Combined with the non-stop overindulgence of Christmas, it was a recipe for disaster. I did sink pretty low.
Some of this was probably enhanced further by my recent counselling sessions. I had initially wanted to talk to someone about Mum's death, but I think the coroner's report was the first step in the final stage of grieving - acceptance. So instead I went hoping to address my lack of self esteem and the effect that has on my weight. Sadly talking through my past raked up lots of difficult memories and left me feeling pretty drained - bordering on depressed.
I've recently had the chance to write a lot of these memories down, creating a document to give to my new counsellor in the hope we can quickly focus on ways to cope with the scars of my past, rather than revelling in the darkness. This has been like swirling oil paint in water, then placing a sheet of sugar paper on the surface to create fascinating patterns. The whole process has been quite cathartic and draws a line under some of the reawakened pain. I have the patterns now, so I can pour the oily water away.
Part of getting to this place has come from realising I've been here before and I know what to do. In the end I let myself have Christmas off, pledging to start again afterwards. I then made an appointment with my GP to see if anything can be done to help. And finally I've added a St John's Wort and vitamin B supplement back to my diet. Vitamin B6 helps the body convert tryptophan into serotonin.
Potentially these two only have a placebo effect, but they have helped. I think I need to be prepared to add these back to my diet every winter, perhaps with 5HTP as well.
Other than that, I'm making plans for 2011. I'm hoping to go away for New Year's Eve again as Venice was truly magnificent. I'm hoping to do more day-trips with friends too. We live in a beautiful part of the UK with easy access via public transport and/or road to exciting places round here too.
I'm hoping to spend a little more time back home too, catching up with my Dad primarily. It's taken time, but we really are building up an enjoyable friendship.
