Anxiety. As mentioned before on this blog, it's something that has clearly affected me most of my life, but which I have only understood as a significant factor in recent months.
I spent years living in a siege mentality. Constantly feeling under threat became the norm to the point where it became like emotional tinnitus. I didn't even recognise it as an abnormal feeling.
I can now see the difference in my life, but that doesn't mean I have complete mastery of it. Yet.
A recent conversation with a friend quietly triggered a combination of unfounded fears and a rush of memories of past hurt to trigger a serious bout of anxiety. But rather than face up to it by writing in my Anxiety Diary or, better still, talking to the one person who could help clarify the facts so that I could decide whether my anxiety had any basis at all - I sealed it away behind a wall.
At which point a very quiet low hum of nervousness began, resonating from behind the wall.
Then whilst discussing something else entirely and nailing shiny future events to a wall, we drove a nail through that very wall and hit the cache of anxiety where I'd sealed it away. Not unlike striking oil, it began spraying panic everywhere. I quickly acted to plug the hole but that just stopped the initial fountain. Under the surface, pressure was building up.
A day later, I foolishly decided to try to run a relief well down to it. I say foolishly, because the timing was wrong for both of us that were involved. Ultimately I had a full blown panic attack. That gave the emotional side of my brain full control and allowed the remnants of my own self loathing to make a huge mess. :(
Two days on, I still feel like an idiot. The calm light of the new day made me remember that I stand by my original decisions and feelings rather than those thoughts and impulses born under intense anxiety. I desperately wish I could take back a lot of what I said. Thankfully, I am very lucky to have been treated with care and understanding.
Acting like this under extreme personal pressure is not new to me - but understanding why and realising I have the tools in my arsenal to change these reactions and a nurturing environment in which to do so - well that is a revelation.
Moving forward, this was a wake up call. I became slightly complacent, believing that I am over the worst of the anxiety now. That isn't completely incorrect, but I will have to constantly monitor my nerves. Nothing exhausting, I just need to tighten my set of checks and balances.
And remember to trust in the people I really do trust, just as I ask them to trust me.
With regards to this recent example, I'm lucky enough to be able to communicate on an equal footing and be able to accept that what I am told is the truth rather than mollifying lies.
I'm going to be fine. :)
