Once upon a time...

...I wanted to make videos for a living. I loved DV editing and ideally I wanted to progress to directed music videos and editing film trailers, then progress to TV series.

For various reasons, soon after finishing an HND in Media Production, I realised I don't have the thick skin or the ability to survive on no money at all required to break in. So now I run a comic shop. Having been a barman, a DJ, a doorman, an office temp and a retail manager. Funny old life.

Turns out some of my work is still online.

You can find three of my videos here on Myspace Video.


Hell Is For Heroes - I Can Climb Mountains (Demo)

Parasite | Myspace Video


Chasing Amy Trailer

Parasite | Myspace Video


Buswell - Let Me Love

Parasite | Myspace Video

I also worked on these:





All of these were shot for little or no money, with a tiny crew. I can see many, many things I would do differently, but I'm still kinda proud of them.

I hope you like them.

New Year; increasingly better mental state

Firstly, Happy New Year everybody!

Aw man, 2010 was better than 2009, but at points just as hard.

Denver was awesome and I ended the year visiting Venice which was wonderful, but the final few months of '10 were a real battle.

I fell off the wagon as winter drew in. The shop is freezing even with a heater and extra layers. It made my body demand constant fuel to burn to stay warm. Rather than eating more low calorie treats like fruit & veg and lean meat, I switched to junk like an idiot and piled some weight back on. That made me miserable in itself, but I also lost all enthusiasm for the gym which exacerbated the situation. Being cold all day, I just wanted to go home and warm up rather than drag myself to Fitness First.

Combined with the non-stop overindulgence of Christmas, it was a recipe for disaster. I did sink pretty low.

Some of this was probably enhanced further by my recent counselling sessions. I had initially wanted to talk to someone about Mum's death, but I think the coroner's report was the first step in the final stage of grieving - acceptance. So instead I went hoping to address my lack of self esteem and the effect that has on my weight. Sadly talking through my past raked up lots of difficult memories and left me feeling pretty drained - bordering on depressed.

I've recently had the chance to write a lot of these memories down, creating a document to give to my new counsellor in the hope we can quickly focus on ways to cope with the scars of my past, rather than revelling in the darkness. This has been like swirling oil paint in water, then placing a sheet of sugar paper on the surface to create fascinating patterns. The whole process has been quite cathartic and draws a line under some of the reawakened pain. I have the patterns now, so I can pour the oily water away.

Part of getting to this place has come from realising I've been here before and I know what to do. In the end I let myself have Christmas off, pledging to start again afterwards. I then made an appointment with my GP to see if anything can be done to help. And finally I've added a St John's Wort and vitamin B supplement back to my diet. Vitamin B6 helps the body convert tryptophan into serotonin.

Potentially these two only have a placebo effect, but they have helped. I think I need to be prepared to add these back to my diet every winter, perhaps with 5HTP as well.

Other than that, I'm making plans for 2011. I'm hoping to go away for New Year's Eve again as Venice was truly magnificent. I'm hoping to do more day-trips with friends too. We live in a beautiful part of the UK with easy access via public transport and/or road to exciting places round here too.

I'm hoping to spend a little more time back home too, catching up with my Dad primarily. It's taken time, but we really are building up an enjoyable friendship.

2011. Here's to it.

Live - "Top"

This is not helping me at all,
What you are doing here?
In the name of God and love,
It's the distribution of fear,
Pyramids, healing wires, analysts with fame,
I haven't got your degree,
And I forgot your name,

Pick me up and put me on the ground,
Set me up and spin me all around,
No, you are not the one I wish to see,

This is not helping me at all,
Where did we get this plan?
That you could give to me,
What I might already have
Pyramids, healing wires, a musician's fame,
I volunteered you my eyes,
In place of facing me,

Oh Hitler, in a robe of truth,
My emptiness has built your altar,
And I've worshipped myself in you forever,
Until now!

http://www.we7.com/song/Live/Top?m=0

Get Fucked Stud

It's a shame this song was never a single. Can't think why it wasn't really eligible for individual release... ;)

"Get Fucked Stud"

Oh my distorted smile will tighten its grip
Now somebody is asking when you will disappear
You have to believe yourself to be happy now
You can't rely on someone else to be happy

Get fucked stud

It's time to kill
Only you see the sunset on amphetamines

All hands on the courtesy cunt
Get fucked stud

I know you will burn in hell
For pretending to be the God of all Men I demand of you
Pretend to burn in hell to be
The God of All

Well follow me
You're fucking right

I'm all at sea
My teeth are made of baby hair

The skyline is burning red so we'll all go down
Follow my head to survive 'cos it won't take us long to come round

Rant in B Flat.

It was too good to last really.

I've been in an excellent mood recently, but I could feel it burning out yesterday and today it has been completely snuffed out.

I'm sick of my status quo. Haven't been able to get my eating under control since things turned a bit shit in January. I managed just over a year of mostly successful calorie counting and weight loss, but I just can't seem to manage it anymore.

It was OK when I exercised more, but six or so weeks of tendinitis (CAUSED BY OVER-EXERCISING!!!) have seen me have to essentially start again. That's still work-in-progress, but it's very frustrating.

I need to work out what I want from life, as I have no idea anymore. I'm sick of feeling like contentment is an elusive state I will never reach.

To this end, I'm going to have a clear out and look to downsize my life. I need to be thinner. My life needs to be simpler and more enjoyable. I have way too much pointless stuff.

The laptop was a great purchase. Moving the home computer to the shop to replace the Dell was a good idea, but why am I bothering to set up the Dell as a media PC? I've put a bigger drive in the PS3 and I can stream from the laptop, so the Dell can be re-homed.

Time to downsize some of my comics and stuff too, pick stuff I love and stick with that.

I miss feeling inspired and productive. Tried to write earlier and just hated what I wrote. Maybe it's cos I'm trying to adapt a short story into a comic. It felt good at first and now feels twee and kinda shite. Maybe now that we've had Mum's inquest it's time to return to my novel. I left it with the main character's Mum dying, with the intention of then skipping on several months. But so many plot lines were in motion that I felt this would jar and realised I needed to stay with him, ride with him to the hospital, etc. And I couldn't face it then. Maybe now.

Ugh. Right list time.

Downsize: comics, graphic novels, books, DVDs, games.

Abandon media PC idea and consider ditching pointless technology/gadgets.

List all these for friends, then Freecycle the rest.

Goal: life to fit back into one studio apartment (have no intention of moving, liking living with M&K - the feeling may not be mutual! - but I ain't going anywhere, just defining parameters).

Goal: continue to increase exercise, sticking with new swim regime. Every ten lengths, do one front crawl power length to raise heart rate. Pause to take on water, then do the next ten lengths. Not a rest break, just hydrating. At the final ten, do two power lengths. Then increase to penultimate ten. Until eventually every ten lengths includes two power lengths. Currently, swimming total is set to as many as can be done in half an hour, rather than aiming for 100 total lengths. This is currently 60 lengths and the intention is to get faster.

Goal: analyse what I enjoy doing and what I don't enjoy. Aim to do more things I enjoy, less I don't. Within reason.

Goal: find a way to deal with growing anger. Anyone know any good streetfighting clubs round here? I don't mean the computer game!

2009 was shite and it seems to still have it's sticky finger prints all over 2010. Grrrr.