I'm better today than I was yesterday...

...but then yesterday was a real struggle. No idea what triggered it - all the little things that contributed to it seem too small to have caused the full on panic I failed to control. By the afternoon, I had to ask for help and felt like a real loser for having to do so.

No man is an island and all that, but even so. Not cool.

Today, this song popped up on the iPod. Really sums it up in many ways. And worth remembering that The Offspring are more intelligent than the chart-bothering hits around the turn of the Millennium would have many of you believe. (If you like this song, also check out the excellent but heartbreaking Gone Away, also by The Offspring.)

The Offspring - Have You Ever

Falling, I'm falling

Have you ever walked through a room

But it was more like the room passed around you

Like there was a leash around your neck that pulled you through

Have you ever been at someplace

Recognizing everybody's face

Until you realized that there was no one there you knew

Well I know

Some days, my soul's confined and out of mind

Sleep forever

Some days, I'm so outshined and out of time

Have you ever

Falling, I'm falling

Have you ever buried your face in your hands

'Cos no one around you understands

Or has the slightest idea what it is that makes you be

Have you ever felt like there was more

Like someone else was keeping score

And what could make you whole was simply out of reach

Well I know

Someday I'll try again and not pretend

This time forever

Someday I'll get it straight but not today

Have you ever

Falling, I'm falling

Some days, my soul's confined and out of mind

Sleep forever

Some days, my darkest friend is me again

Have you ever

Someday I'll try again and not pretend

This time forever

Someday I'll get it straight but not today

Have you ever

When the truth walks away

Everybody stays

'Cos the truth about the world is that crime does pay

So if you walk away

Who is gonna stay

'Cos I'd like to think the world is a better place

When the truth walks away

Everybody stays

'Cos the truth about the world is that crime does pay

So if you walk away

Who is gonna stay

'Cos I'd like to make the world be a better place

When the truth walks away

Everybody stays

'Cos the truth about the world is that crime does pay

So if you walk away

Who is gonna stay

'Cos I'd like to think the world is a better place

I'd like to leave the world as a better place

New Year; increasingly better mental state

Firstly, Happy New Year everybody!

Aw man, 2010 was better than 2009, but at points just as hard.

Denver was awesome and I ended the year visiting Venice which was wonderful, but the final few months of '10 were a real battle.

I fell off the wagon as winter drew in. The shop is freezing even with a heater and extra layers. It made my body demand constant fuel to burn to stay warm. Rather than eating more low calorie treats like fruit & veg and lean meat, I switched to junk like an idiot and piled some weight back on. That made me miserable in itself, but I also lost all enthusiasm for the gym which exacerbated the situation. Being cold all day, I just wanted to go home and warm up rather than drag myself to Fitness First.

Combined with the non-stop overindulgence of Christmas, it was a recipe for disaster. I did sink pretty low.

Some of this was probably enhanced further by my recent counselling sessions. I had initially wanted to talk to someone about Mum's death, but I think the coroner's report was the first step in the final stage of grieving - acceptance. So instead I went hoping to address my lack of self esteem and the effect that has on my weight. Sadly talking through my past raked up lots of difficult memories and left me feeling pretty drained - bordering on depressed.

I've recently had the chance to write a lot of these memories down, creating a document to give to my new counsellor in the hope we can quickly focus on ways to cope with the scars of my past, rather than revelling in the darkness. This has been like swirling oil paint in water, then placing a sheet of sugar paper on the surface to create fascinating patterns. The whole process has been quite cathartic and draws a line under some of the reawakened pain. I have the patterns now, so I can pour the oily water away.

Part of getting to this place has come from realising I've been here before and I know what to do. In the end I let myself have Christmas off, pledging to start again afterwards. I then made an appointment with my GP to see if anything can be done to help. And finally I've added a St John's Wort and vitamin B supplement back to my diet. Vitamin B6 helps the body convert tryptophan into serotonin.

Potentially these two only have a placebo effect, but they have helped. I think I need to be prepared to add these back to my diet every winter, perhaps with 5HTP as well.

Other than that, I'm making plans for 2011. I'm hoping to go away for New Year's Eve again as Venice was truly magnificent. I'm hoping to do more day-trips with friends too. We live in a beautiful part of the UK with easy access via public transport and/or road to exciting places round here too.

I'm hoping to spend a little more time back home too, catching up with my Dad primarily. It's taken time, but we really are building up an enjoyable friendship.

2011. Here's to it.

Get Fucked Stud

It's a shame this song was never a single. Can't think why it wasn't really eligible for individual release... ;)

"Get Fucked Stud"

Oh my distorted smile will tighten its grip
Now somebody is asking when you will disappear
You have to believe yourself to be happy now
You can't rely on someone else to be happy

Get fucked stud

It's time to kill
Only you see the sunset on amphetamines

All hands on the courtesy cunt
Get fucked stud

I know you will burn in hell
For pretending to be the God of all Men I demand of you
Pretend to burn in hell to be
The God of All

Well follow me
You're fucking right

I'm all at sea
My teeth are made of baby hair

The skyline is burning red so we'll all go down
Follow my head to survive 'cos it won't take us long to come round

I can't believe this is nine years old now, still feels so relevant to me...

NEW ORDER - Crystal

We're like crystal, we break easy,
I'm a poor man, if you leave me,
I'm applauded, then forgotten,
It was summer, now it's autumn

I don't know what to say, you don't care anyway,
I'm a man in a rage, with a girl I betrayed,
Here comes love, it's like honey,
You can't buy it with money, you're not alone anymore,
You shock me to the core

We're like crystal, it's not easy,
With your love, you could feed me,
Every man, and every woman,
Needs someone, so keep it coming,
Keep it coming

The Defamation Of Strickland Banks

Some times you hear some new music and go 'wow'.

I'm late to the party when it comes to Plan B, but this new direction is amazing. Concept album/video hybrid too. Wonderful. Plus, is that Effy from Skins and Keeley Hawes?





The Pendulum remix of Stay Too Long is awesome too.